Shocking...

It’s actually pretty hard to keep up with a blog when I have so much less to complain about. Shocking, I know.

I just finished reading a good friend’s story on Richard Simmon’s website/blog. I’m so proud of Heidi, it’s unreal. The journey she’s had to go on is both heartbreaking and inspiring, though mostly the latter. Heidi is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, inside and out, and her weight was never an issue in my mind because she was a constant delight. Through a good friend, she got hooked up with Richard Simmons’s aerobic group/class called “Slimmons”. It’s changed her life. She’s lost some weight and is well on her way to a healthier and happier life. No doubt, she will have the kind of struggles that tend to plague those of us with a little or a lot of weight to lose. She said something important in her story: communication is just as important as exercising and food. She reminded me that sometimes the issues behind the weight gain are the key behind the weight loss.

So yeah, despite losing the weight I have and the fun I’ve had along the way, despite Jason doing well with his overall health, I should probably keep blogging. If nothing else, to make sure that I keep the demons in check, and to give myself a point in time to reference when things do go wonky.

I do love that this is pretty low-key right now. It’s a lot more freeing.

The Lunch Bunch

I’ve been with Alsco almost three years now. I pretty much love my job, even with its occasional heartaches, frustration, and fucked-up-iness. We all get along really well, hang out. It’s awesome.

Well, there’s been a sort of sea change around here. Now we really don’t hang out. Groups are isolated and shrinking. We don’t invite one another out. We don’t even do our formerly non-stop luncheon/potlucks. What happened?

I do know what happened, and it all started in August of 2008. We’d already had several birthdays from the time I’d started in March. When we did that we’d all “pitch in” for the birthday boy or girl’s lunches if we went out, or would all bring in food to share, birthday people excepted. Always was like that. In August of 2008, my boss and another team member had their birthdays. I took up planning the lunch, and the Call Center lead flipped out when I mentioned that his “cost” would be increased by 75 cents to cover both of the birthdays. He went on about how everyone has always carried their own weight and that the birthday people always paid for their own lunches (not true, and I know that we covered off at least two of their people’s birthdays).

So, I said “fuck it” and I and another team member covered my boss and co-worker’s lunches.

No biggie, right?

Right…

So, then lunches started to move to a bi-monthly, then quarterly affair. People started talking behind Call Center’s back because they would come and raid snacks prepared or brought by people in National Accounts, and when they’d come to potlucks, they’d bring in a head of lettuce or a few cookies when someone else would make a major investment in time and money to bring in something really hearty.

Next thing we know, we’re at this week.

So, every year, Alsco puts on a trip as a reward for those that have had high performance within the company in sales and service, and every year, those left behind at the General Office threw a pity party for ourselves, usually themed around the location where they “winners” were off to. It was always fun; we’d have music, food, and take a LONG lunch. We’re at that time of year again… so when I started going around to the usual suspects, I’d noticed that there was another potluck going on… and no one was comfortable to talk about it. In a way, I’m glad, because it helped me to not gorge myself on the bad food that’s normally there… but it still felt like bad form on their part, and they seemed ashamed as I started talking about planning our annual party. I kind of got the sense that it was just easier to invite no one outside of National Accounts than pick and choose because of hurt feelings. You can’t invite Marketing if the Call Center isn’t invited, too.  Whatever…

So, I’ve decided to say fuck it to this, too. Next Friday, instead of a pity party, if anyone wants to join me, I’ll be heading over to Sandbar or Barbacoa for my own personal pity party. Come if you wanna, don’t if you don’t. 

And, we're off!

So, I'm in the surgery waiting area. Not much to say yet, other than today got a VERY early start. It's quiet here and they haven't turned on any televisions, which is good by me. I'd prefer the peace and quiet of these moments than having too much going on around me. 


Last night was really good... except the whole not being able to sleep part. That part sucked. Jason will be kept here for observation until tomorrow morning, so I'm planning on crashing out as soon as we get the room. I even brought pajamas for the occasion. 


Jason is wearing his Gator scrub bottoms. Cute, as always.


I love him. 


I hope this turns out well.

You're only a day away...

So tomorrow Jason undergoes hernia surgery. Despite how it’s not as bad as the asshat told us back in December, thoughts continue to linger in the back of my mind. It’s become increasingly obvious that the thought is still in the back of Jason’s mind, as evidenced by the freak out session we went through last night.

Last night was all about how much life insurance I was going to get when he’s gone and how I should just go ahead and sell my wedding ring. Last night was about every awful thought that’s gone through our minds realized. Last night was really about how scared we are.

Seriously, if I ever, ever, ever see that doctor, I’m going to clock him. That kind of poison has nestled in the back of my mind, rearing its ugly head at my weakest moments.  

So tomorrow is the surgery. I’ll sit and wait. It’s supposed to take just an hour, and then they’ll keep J overnight for observation (monitor his liver levels). The plan is that I will spend the night in his hospital room… or at least it’s MY plan. Jason thinks it’s crazy, but I don’t know how I’d do if I couldn’t be near him. Not that I can do anything… but it would make me feel at least a bit hopeful in this helplessness.

I don't know what to think any more. We just got some not-awesome news from the GI doc. I need to get off this good news/bad news roller coaster.

Maybe the only way to come to terms with being dealt a sh*tty hand is to take it one day at a time. I don't have any control over what's happening right now, and torturing myself with any sort of fiction that I do is doing no one any good.

So, he's got a mega-f*ckton of polyps. I'm crossing my fingers that they're not cancerous, but I can tell from the docs face that he's not happy with it. If it is cancer, they'll remove his colon - then likely his liver - then probably just go for the spleen and/or gall bladder while they're at it.

Friggin' awesome!!

Hmmm, missing blog?

Well, I thought I'd posted a blog, but I'm sure I got there and had to slam down the laptop. Hopefully I have enough time to pour out a few thoughts. 


So, sometime today I should find out when they're scheduling Jason for his hernia surgery. The surgeon proposed that this may happen THIS Friday. I'm happy to have the day finally come, but still have that twinge of nervousness. Hopefully things will go smoothly and this will be but a memory. 


One of my bigger concerns is how he'll deal with not being on painkillers for the first time in... I don't know how long. I'm really not sure what the lasting effects of delaying this surgery will be. I mean, I totally get why they would want to wait - but does the choice to wait, wait, wait throw J into an entirely new risk? I don't know what it takes... I just hope we can get there peacefully.

On a Plane

So, I’ve really wanted to start blogging, and it seems that it’s not going to happen so long as I have to log into any kind of website for a period of time. So, I’m sitting on a plane, banging out El Numero Dos of my attempts to share what’s going on in my life. I am just happy that I didn’t get a call from Jason saying that he’s in the hospital. Oh – and I’m over the Grand Canyon right now; as beautiful from the air as it is from the ground.

Jason’s illness has been a strange point over the past few years. On one hand, he’s very sick; on the other hand, he’s doing better than he has since the turn of the millennium. Regardless of how well he’s doing, his past history dictates that he be on the liver transplant list, which he is on here in Utah. Any time we have a medical situation arise, the transplant team is notified and gives direction in tandem with Jason’s GI docs and other attending medical staff.

When Jason finally came to his wit’s end after three years of dealing with an umbilical hernia – the pain of which has led him to be on a regular dose of painkillers – the answer was the same, even if it was a “yes” instead of a “no”:  (paraphrased) While we understand that this surgery would greatly improve the quality of your life, we must tell you that any kind of surgery comes with a high risk of mortality. One doc even had the nerve to tell us that Jason would have a 50-50 chance of making it off the operating table.   Really, 50-50? It took me a long time to get over that, and I still haven’t been able to shake it fully. The thought that I could possibly lose my husband has been too much to bear.

While the reality and possibility of death is a constant for all of us, it just seemed that much closer all of a sudden. And I knew what I was “signing up for” when it came to Jason in terms of his health, but… I wanted more than a few months of married life.

Since that time, Jason has “renewed” his information with the transplant people. He has gone in for his scans and scopes, (one of which made Jason incredibly sick and gave him intense pain) readdressed the financial requirements of a potential transplant in the event of liver failure, and has gone through all the hurdles, and filled out miles of paperwork to make sure that if and when that time comes we’re ready. Of course, in the process of all this the docs started asking “With numbers like these, I’m shocked they even have you on the list.”

All-in-all, what I’ve learned is that he will probably have no complications from the hernia surgery. They believe they can do it laproscopically (sp?), his reactions to the anesthesia drugs are very positive (in fact, they’ve had him on the fentanyl from time-to-time due to the pain he’s been dealing with between the hernia and the cholangitis and the fact that his pain meds tolerance is super high), and they probably have to worry more about his liver processing it all too quickly rather than failure (meaning that he would come out of anesthesia during the procedure… happened before, and it’s not fun).

I’m still pretty bitter over what the doc told us. It’s put us through a lot of heartache. Knowing that his statistics would be pretty good, but dealing with the possibility on an emotional and financial level was harder than we thought it would be. I was scared, giving myself small doses of emotional pain just in case… you know, so that some part of me could be “ready”. What this has really taught me, however, is that you can’t really plan these things out and you certainly don’t need to be living life as though there’s a clock, ticking down the minutes. It’s too much for any of us.

Undoubtedly, there will be trials in the days ahead and there is the constant threat of risk – but, we’ll make it through. I know we will.